TO DECEIVE, INVEIGLE & OBFUSCATE - (AB)

First, a "don't pull the trigger" warning!

Please be advised the following subjects are included: Explicit sexual details - Sexual shaming

One of my favorite lines ever spoken on television is from the TV series "The X-Files." Investigator Fox Mulder is forced to explain the reason behind his obessive hunt for the unknown and suggests that is not the truth he is in fact after, but to stop those who he knows are attempting to cover it up.

“To find those who I know, plotted to deceive, inveigle, and obfuscate.”.

To deceive is to deliberately cause someone to believe something that is not true, especially for personal gain. When you inveigle, you persuade someone to do something by means of deception or flattery, and if you are obfuscating something, it means you have tried to make it obscure, unclear, or unintelligible.

In "The X-Files" universe, the truth is out there. But in our world of social media, where "deep fakes" and "fake news" can be defeated by a wealth of information at our finger tips and where a person can say anything, be anything, and go anywhere, why does the breakdown of a relationship still usually entail at least one party, pretending to be something they are not?

Why does one person always play games with the truth?

Well, recently I read another great quote that seems to particularly apply in regards to relationships. "There is no right or wrong, only truth.".

If something that is said is true, it is both and neither, wrong and/or right; it’s just the truth.

Now, it’s also worth bearing in mind that truth is only truth from a certain point of view. For example, my view of events may differ from yours if we saw them from opposite sides. Truth, however, can never be anything but true.

In a usual breakup, at least one party feels unhappy about the situation, which nearly always leads to bad feelings, upset, heartache, and all the usual suspects. I say "usual breakup" because there are those rare, fabled ones that you may have heard of in urban legends. Like the "amicable" "conscious uncoupling" Gwyneth Paltrow-types, who seem to seperate, wishing all the best to their ex whilst baking them a cake, and pledging lifelong friendship. As it turns out, and from all accounts, including the couple themselves, the marriage was over years beforehand, and they had lived separate lives, including both having an open relationship.

Suddenly this separation looks more like two friends deciding not to have sex anymore than a breakup. Breakups are sudden, ruthless, and unplanned, at least from one side; they carry guilt and regret, and that’s what usually causes the truth to be questioned.

Now, you should know I am telling you all this from not only the perspective of currently riding out the storm of a truly awful breakup but also from a place of wisdom. I am Gwyneth, and I have successfully uncoupled.

I was essentially married to my ex-husband for twenty-five years before we separated. We had always been close, supported each other’s lives, cared for each other, and shared mutual interests. Our sex life was kind and compassionate, loving and exciting in the early years, but we soon learned we were not that compatible. I think this is quite a usual scenario in longterm relationships, and in hindsight, had we had children to keep us together like a lot of marriages, we may not have split. 

Like Gwyneth and Chris, we had started living separate lives, and although they met loosely at home and there was no angst between us, it was obvious to us both that we had drifted. Looking back, I wonder if we both thought the other could do better and be happier elsewhere. I remember the day it came up vividly. I was making dinner, and he was sitting at the table chatting. There was no prior argument or incident; it was just the time to say it, I think. I stopped stirring the saucepan and simply said, “This isn’t working is it?”. My tone was soft, caring, and honest. He took a moment to accept my words and softly replied, “No, it’s not.”.

We were both sad, both honest, and both accepted it immediately.

We promised we would never allow anyone to come between us, would always be there for each other, and still loved each other very much. We were both scared, but both knew it wasn’t what it was.

You can be sad here if you like, mournful perhaps, but the truth is our relationship blossomed from that moment on to something so much better than we could have ever imagined. We remain the best of friends to this day, almost twelve years later, and he has always been my rock. He is the person I know I can tell anything to and the person who will be there at the last moment. I will do the same for him; in fact, I consider myself his muse in life on days when I flatter myself. We have become unbreakable because we admitted the truth and saw no right or wrong, no victim or villain, only truth.

My current breakup has been bearable because I have my ex-husband by my side. In some ways, knowing I am capable of good relations with an ex makes me realize that in the current games of the breakup, I am not the problem.

Oh, the games people play.

I got married again, on the holiday of a lifetime, all smiles, no crossed words, no conversations of unhappiness or uncertainty, just bliss, from where I was standing anyway. A week later, the ring was handed to me, and I was told, “It won't work; it’s over,” and that was that. I was traveling to Paris that day, and three days later, when I got home, he had taken his clothes and personal bathroom items and left. He changed his number; he didn’t want me to know when he now lived.

It broke me. Literally, smashed me into pieces I did not want to pick up.

I cried every day for months.

I was never given a real reason as to why he did it, merely useless snippets of excuses. “I got tired of all the fighting” was one. We had not had a crossed word at all in six months when he left, so that seemed untrue. Why marry someone you’re constantly at war with?

“It just doesn’t work between us” was another; perhaps you might have considered that before marrying me a week ago too.

He told me in a text message, “I’d pushed him away,” which again confused me as I’d married him the week before on an all-expenses holiday I’d paid for, including tickets to see his idol perform in concert. If I pushed him away, God alone knows what I’d need to do to keep him.

Despite all this, I tried to be kind. I made it clear from the start the house was half his so he could have half the items in it; he wanted nothing. I ended up paying his bills he left me with without being too nasty about it. I even said I’d pay for the divorce. I told him I’d give him another chance; I’d try harder (even though I didn’t know what was wrong); I told him I would like to be friends; I just didn't want to lose his presence from my life. I made every effort to be kind.

He refused all offers, and that was that. That is, until I started to pick myself up again, and then, of course, he “missed me.”.

Let the games begin!

Then he called me several times “by mistake," and checking my number was blocked.

I again offered an olive branch to him, not because I liked him very much at this point; I had seen through his actions by now, but because I did care about him, I care about all humans, and I care about myself, and who needs all this hatred and drama? Not me.

Apparently, he does. He told me he didn't want to be friends and to stop calling him.

You called me!

Apparently, in some people's eyes, someone must be the villain. Apparently I was voted as the number one choice, and I found out today, nearly six months later.

A friend of mine let slip that my ex had sent them a text message some time ago telling them about the split. For context, this is my friend; from before my ex was on the scene, they had met, but maybe exchanged twenty words over five years. Hardly a close friend.

So, when I saw that friend today, they immediately asked, “Is everything ok with you and hubby?”. 

I instantly realized they knew and guessed the only way that news could have found its way to them. I told the truth, broke down a little, they gave me a hug, and we began to talk.

I had not told them about the split, as I just couldn't face it. I couldn't tell anyone, as I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I was such an awful person that a week of marriage to me was unbearable. Also, when I had first seen this person, just after he left me suddenly, the first words out of their mouth were, “I am so happy for you; after all you have been through, you finally have someone you can count on.”.

I literally lied my ass off to my friend in the conversation that followed. I told them how happy I was and pretended I wasn’t utterly devastated. Afterwards, I cried in my car for an hour.

As far as I know, he made no contact with any other friend of mine about the breakup, so this seemed very strange to me. I probed for more details.

“I’ve known for about a month, I think,” he said. “I got a text from (your ex) back then, and it said, “This is my new number; I don't want Ian to have it; we have split up for good; he crossed a line and did something unforgivable.”.

I suddenly lost the ability to breathe. This is news to me—devastating news. 

How could I have been so careless to have hurt the man I truly loved so much? Then it began to dawn on me that this upsetting news was also news to all the other people involved in this messy breakup. Hang on a second; he didn't say that to anyone else!

Honesty time, I am not perfect. I make mistakes, and I have held my hand up multiple times to them in all my previous relationships. I have said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, hurt people, lied, and broken promises. The reason I can openly admit that is because I have always apologized, accepted my fault, and changed my behavior. I’ve been in relationships for pretty much thirty-five years off and on; it gives you time to fuck up in every possible way. But, I can honestly say, by the time this relationship started, I had learned all the traps and possible pitfalls and how I should avoid them.

I did everything I needed to, everything my other exes said I should improve on; I stopped anything that my partner found uncomfortable, even if I wasn’t doing any harm—but I went very far out of my comfort zone to accommodate and accept his demands or requests. I can honestly say I did several things I was uncomfortable with, which in hindsight was perhaps a mistake, but it proves the relationship and his wellbeing were my priorities.

Making mistakes in life gives you a valuable and often overlooked superpower: the ability to forgive others. I am proud to say I did that multiple times for him. 

So, having searched my memory and asked various friends, I can honestly say, hand in heart, that I have no idea what he means by ‘crossed a line’ or 'unforgivable." Quite frankly, I think it’s bullshit.

I am very happy—in fact, I’d welcome it—to be corrected and informed as to my deeds. I have never hidden away from my faults and always faced them, working hard on myself over the years. If there is a deed I have done, I have no shame in it being made public, so I challenge my ex to clarify that.

But he won't, will he?

In the meantime, let me get back to the reason I am writing this: games.

In the absence of fact or truth, actually in the absence of any information at all, I call this playing games. My theory is such that as there is no fact behind it, no reason to give multiple reasons for the break-up, which are all quite frankly vague, and as there is only this one person I can find who was told this version of the break-up reasoning, I suggest it is his intent to make me the bad guy for no other reason than to play emotional games.

Can’t we all just grow up?

You got what you wanted; you get to spend your time without me. I haven’t harassed you, I have kept our relationship details private (aside from the actual break-up behavior he exhibited), I cleared up the mess you left, paid your outstanding bills, took your stuff to the tip, put aside the things you forgot that I know mean something to you, I haven’t contacted your friends, and I have actively stopped anyone slating you on social media (I wish he’d offered me the same courtesy!).

So, why make up stuff about me?

Well, you don’t need a degree in assholes to work that out do you. He is the villain, and nothing makes you look less mean than playing the victim, does it? Trouble is, there is nothing to back up his various stories as to why he left me after a week of marriage; there are too many different stories for a start, and of course, that’s because the simple truth is, they are all covers, lies, a smear campaign on the truth, which even he probably doesn’t like the sound of.

He left because he had got what he wanted and saw no reason to stay.

He had the holiday, the concert, had been supported and built up by me, and I was now no use to him. It’s not an easy thing to type, and it makes me very sad that he saw nothing in me worth being with, but it is true. He just left because he never saw “us” as valid. No one leaves a marriage after a week; that is not how adults behave; you work things out if it meant something to you.

Walking out with no reason or discussion means you are the villain, and now everyone suspects it. You can’t hide from the truth, so it’s best to accept it or shred it, it seems.

Another ex of mine tried this tactic too. I let it go, trying to have the mindset that what other people think of me is none of my business, because it isn’t. He was very unkind to me during our years together, and after our split, he began to badmouth me publicly. Lies, slurs on my sexual history and behavior, tales of abuse, control, etc. I let it slide until he pushed it too far one day and made a very public comment that I “was responsible for ruining his mental health.”.

As I was actually in therapy at the time as the result of his (now proven) domestic violence against me, I didn’t feel that was anything more than nasty. Games to make one person look better than the other. Belittle them, gaslight them, humiliate them until they are too weak to exist, and then you don't have to face what you did, right?

I have learned over the years that the only way to stop games being played is to tell the truth. 

When you speak honestly about your own faults, things you are humiliated by or ashamed of, people realize that what you are saying is truth. Anyone who attacks another person's morals or behavior without accepting their own isn’t being honest; they are throwing a blanket over a lie. 

When I eventually responded to the ex, I apparently ruined it mentally; I just told the facts. No lies.

Yes, I let him do this to me for three years, and I am ashamed of myself, but it did happen. 

Yes, I lied. I told you all one thing: that he was perfect, but actually something else was going on that I couldn’t explain to you, but it was happening.

A truth is a truth. A LIE is a game.

My only other ex-boyfriend and I split about nine years ago after a brief fling. We had fun, and I did lots of caring nice things for him and me, but being honest, I wasn’t a “good thing” that happened to him, or at least that is what I think looking back. I know I was good to my long-term ex-husband; he is still my friend. My recent ex, well, I gave him so much love and tried to make every dream come true I could for him. I told him every day he was loved. The mental health ruined my ex. I did all manner of things for him that no one can ever say were not above and beyond what any human should do; I literally kept his life and children together for him.

But my brief fling ex, I look back and have many regrets about. I made lots of mistakes and hurt him multiple times. I lied, and I upset him. We didn't end badly; we just ended, and over the years since, we have very occasionally bumped into each other and been polite and wished each other well.

However, going through all this breakup drama and emotional turmoil made me wish for something in my future. An apology. Some reason that is valid, or something kind about our time together. All I have now is questions and silence.

Being thoughtful led me to being proactive, and thus, recently, I sent my brief-fling boyfriend a message. This is the exact conversation we had.

“Hi, I have been going through some upheaval and crap in life, and hence it has made me think about the past. Basically, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the things I did back then. It’s not about me getting any forgiveness from you, but I just felt you deserved a genuine and full apology.”

He replied promptly from the other side of the world.

“I don't think you owe me anything. We were both in a bad place and made some bad choices, which had consequences. Your apology is accepted. I hope that gives you some peace.”

The very opposite of playing games. The very best qualities of humanity.

Honestly, acceptance, forgiveness, and kindness.

So, I am left wondering why the games need playing at all. I have never played them; I do not understand the gain from them, but then clearly, as I have told you in this essay, I am not a bad person; I am not a villain. Maybe this is why people play games, because the noise of the game is louder than the silence of the truth. When the world is still, you can only see the facts—the honesty, the hurt, the loss. Maybe the game distracts the players from it all, from facing their own reality.

You did bad, you did wrong, you hurt someone for no reason. Acknowledge it, accept it, perhaps even explain it, but admit it, and everyone can move on to a better future.

One day I hope I will understand what happened here, understand the reasons, and accept them as they were meant. One day, I hope an apology will come—an honest and genuine one. When it does, I will accept it. In the mean time, I keep in mind another fabulous quote I remember in order to keep my own feet firmly in reality.

"Life is a dream for the wise, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor, and just a game for the fool.".